Fitting In vs. Belonging

On December 6, 2024, the SoulStream Living from the Heart podcast featured a heartfelt conversation with Brent Unrau and Esther Hizsa about the journey of belonging. Together, they explored the profound difference between fitting in and true belonging, sharing personal stories, spiritual insights, and practical wisdom. This article highlights key moments from their discussion, offering a compassionate invitation to embrace our authentic selves and live fully connected lives.

Fitting In vs. Belonging: Finding Connection in a Disconnected World

In a world where connection feels increasingly elusive, the tension between fitting in and true belonging resonates deeply. In a recent episode of the SoulStream Living From the Heart podcast, Esther Hizsa and Brent Unrau joined the conversation to explore the nuanced journey of belonging. Their insights, rooted in compassion and spirituality, offer profound wisdom for navigating this precarious terrain.

The Distinction Between Fitting In and Belonging

As Esther Hizsa beautifully articulated, true belonging arises from an innate sense of connection. Drawing from Brené Brown’s work, Esther explained that belonging stems from the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to one another through something greater—something rooted in love and compassion. This contrasts sharply with fitting in, which requires adapting ourselves to meet external expectations.

Fitting in, as Esther recounted, often feels like reading the room and molding oneself to be accepted. In contrast, true belonging requires us to embrace our authentic selves without compromise. For many, the journey to belonging is fraught with challenges, as old wounds of rejection and fear resurface. Esther shared her personal story of being bullied as a child and how it shaped her fear of not belonging—a fear she continues to navigate with grace and faith.

The Precarious Journey of Belonging

Brent Unrau brought another perspective, describing the precariousness of belonging even in seemingly secure environments. Living in an intentional community at Kingfisher Farm, Brent acknowledged moments of feeling like an outsider, despite his deep ties to the community. These experiences serve as a reminder that belonging is a dynamic process that fluctuates, frequently prompting us to face feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

Brent’s reflections highlighted the importance of befriending these feelings rather than resisting them. In doing so, we allow space for healing and growth. This shift from battling our inner critics to approaching them with curiosity and compassion is transformative, both in personal and spiritual contexts.

Finding Belonging Through Spiritual Practices

Both Brent and Esther emphasized the role of spiritual practices in cultivating a sense of belonging. Centering prayer, silence, and contemplative reflection create space to return to the truth that we belong—both to God and to one another. Esther shared a poignant personal experience of meditating on a poem by Teresa of Avila, which inspired her to write her own poem entitled “You Are Worthy to Leave This Sadness” affirming her place in the world:

I belong. I belong. I belong. I belong. The words chug along like a hundred-car train.

Such practices, they noted, anchor us in the reality that we are loved and connected, even when we don’t feel it.

Self-Compassion: A Path to Connection

One of the most transformative themes in the conversation was the power of self-compassion. Esther and Brent reflected on how revisiting moments of hurt with compassion can heal wounds and deepen our connection to ourselves and others.

Esther shared how listening for God’s compassionate voice has been life-changing: “When I go into that space of self-criticism, I hear God say, ‘That must be so hard.’” This simple acknowledgment softens self-judgment and creates room for healing.

Brent echoed this, noting how self-compassion allows us to embrace all parts of ourselves—even those we might prefer to hide. He described it as a practice of befriending our inner selves, offering attention and kindness rather than criticism. This approach, rooted in the example of Jesus, invites a shift from self-violence to self-tenderness, transforming how we relate to ourselves and the world.

Nature as a Teacher of Belonging

For Brent, nature offers profound lessons in belonging. He described how connecting with the earth—whether through trees, rivers, or even a favourite hiking spot—reminds us of our place within the greater web of life. This connection, he suggested, invites a sense of belonging that transcends human relationships, grounding us in the present moment.

Esther added that these practices of grounding and returning are central to the spiritual life. Whether through contemplative prayer, breathing exercises, or moments of silence, we are invited to gently return to the truth of our belonging.

Belonging in Community

Both Esther and Brent acknowledged the challenges of fostering belonging within communities. As part of SoulStream, a dispersed contemplative community, they have long wrestled with the question: How do we help people feel like they belong? The answer, they suggested, lies in holding space for vulnerability, authenticity, and connection.

Esther shared an important nuance: While we belong everywhere on a spiritual level, we don’t have to stay in spaces where we don’t feel aligned or valued. Listening for God’s guidance helps us discern where to invest our time and energy.

The Call to Come Home

The conversation concluded with a reflection on God’s invitation to come home. Esther’s poem captures this beautifully:

Imagine living like you belong here. Now step into what you see. Live like you belong here.

This invitation, they agreed, is not about achieving a permanent state of belonging but about returning—again and again—to the truth that we are loved, connected, and held.

As Esther and Brent prepare to lead their upcoming retreat, Belonging: Coming Home to the Gift of Being Yourself, their hope is to offer others a space to explore these themes in a supportive and contemplative environment.

If you’re longing to deepen your sense of connection, consider joining them at Rivendell Retreat Centre on Bowen Island this February. Listen to the podcast conversation.